Where Does the Good Go?

After nearly five years of being out as a queer woman, I've found that it is a rare instance that I get one of those knowing glares from someone trying to figure out my sexuality based on the way I dress, or the way I carry myself. Based on the information I've gathered from other people who spend time with me in public, it happens far more often than I'm aware of. Truly, I find I only notice it when I'm in a large group of queer women in an area that is not particularly queer in its nature. For example, I was once in a Chipotle with 4 of my queer girlfriends (in the platonic fashion), and the stares we were getting were clearly obvious. Beyond this, I am not generally one to complain about unwanted attention in public.

These days, I am serving the role of girlfriend to a FTM transman, and I'm finding I'm getting, and NOTICING, these glares more than ever. Just this evening we took a venture to the local grocery store to pick up some Ibuprofen, and received up-and-down glances from at least 5 different people (predominantly white, presumably heterosexual men).

It is quite shocking to me the nerve people have to be so obvious, first of all. But I understand why, and as uncomfortable as it is for the "spectacle", it is, unfortunately, completely human and natural.

Naturally, when we see another human being walking amongst us, our eyes are trained to attempt to figure them out, making us able to communicate with them and get a basic understanding of their background. In this, the very first thing we attempt to analyze is our counterpart's gender. My significant other is male-presenting and binds his chest, but as he is pre-surgery and pre-testosterone, he still maintains a very feminine face and certain other feminine features. While they are busy trying to figure him out, they then take a gander at me, this evening adorned in baggy sweatpants, a baggy tee-shirt, and a picnic scarf, with my very shaggy very queer hairstyle (let's play into some stereotypes, shall we?) As it appears as though I am a queer woman (and, by heterosexist standards, that means strictly women-born-women on women-born-women action!), they use their glares in an attempt to analyze our relationship.

As much as I would like to say that it's none of their business and they should just keep their eyes on their own groceries, I can't. Mostly, because I'm sure I am unwittingly guilty of it as well.
After all, it's just human nature.

But it's in these glares that I become increasingly aware of transphobia, as well as homophobia, and increasingly aware OF my awareness that it still exists, and I still live in fear of it.

So I attempt to consider this a gift, as it reminds me (and all others who have similar experiences) of exactly why we do the work that we do. We increase awareness in others, so perhaps one day we will be able to be stared at, and stare right back, and we can all try to figure each other out without fear of the outcome once we are.